If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
You Might Also Like
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.