If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
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Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.