i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
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Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler