If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
You Might Also Like
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.