If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
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Smooooooth
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Heroic Misunderstanding
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Bro what is this
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.