*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
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[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye