If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
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The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand