“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
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my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
#parenting