You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
You Might Also Like
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
become ungovernable
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
*weighs self after shaving
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right