If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
You Might Also Like
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.