If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.