If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
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There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow