If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
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I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.