If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
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Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you