@noog: If your kid's shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
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@jctwritesstuff: You ever randomly hear your mom singing 'Candy Shop' and then die a little inside?
@tastefactory: COP: We have reports of u blasting music. ME: Sorry I'll keep the Metallica down COP: We were told it was Britney Spears "Lucky." On repeat.
@samalmightysam: -Babe, I can't find the condom, what if we don't use it? -Sure, I'm ready to be a mother anyways. -No, no. Look, I found it!
@murrman5: officer it's my son's car "just make it stop sir" I don't know how "can you call him" I'll try *tries to dial while car bounces up and down*