@ingmarbirdman: If you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there's the door.
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@Marlebean: When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so... *hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
@jngraphs: Wife: Where are you going? Me: Out. I can't stand being hemmed in by four walls. Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
@TedBundybitch: Don't mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months