Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
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I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.