If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
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I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
#Caturday
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is