If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
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HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I know karate and tons of other words.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.