if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.