@wolfpupy: if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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@BastardProphet: I'm in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, "In your face, poop". Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
@Gupton68: [AA meeting] Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic? M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking...
@1800Randy: I think abs are for guys that don't have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
@huntigula: [job interview] Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don't move [plays 'In The Air Tonight'] [I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]