@wolfpupy: if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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@BGH70: When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna. That's too much death in one bag.
@Mr_Kapowski: Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.
@fishbowel: Executioner: say your last words Me: your last words Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one