If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
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Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”