If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
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No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Just had my nails done!
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office