Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
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Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Mhm.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably