If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
You Might Also Like
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Happy Febuary everyone!
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)