@jackmackenroth: If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
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@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote? ME: [bleeding profusely] So... not a dog
@BikiniBabeLover: "PIZZA" IS ACTUALLY AN ANAGRAM... P - PLEASUREFUL I - INTERESTING Z - CANT THINK OF ONE Z - CANT THINK OF ONE A - "AGG"-CELLENT
@david8hughes: I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.
@soulindivision: "I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.