@jackmackenroth: If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
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@happily_dad: Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I'm washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
@MikeMcNeil_: wife: "HOW ARE WE OUT OF ICE AGAIN?" me: "DUNNO," I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.
@BevisSimpson: Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
@millercycle: Whenever I’m pissed off at my wife, I go to the thrift store and replace her favorite jeans with the same style two sizes smaller.