@GerryDuggan: If your religion is worth killing for, start with yourself.
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@thinkcomedy: A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby
@lazerdoov: Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run? (Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos) Me: I have shin splints
@Jarhead44: I've always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today. I've had him about an hour now. Anyway..... Monkey for Sale.
@lalastrailer: I spent the whole day cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean trying to find out where my son hides his weed.