@markleggett: If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.
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@davedittell: WIFE: Dave's here HUSBAND: Dave from work or Dave who always wears scarves? ME: [from downstairs] I got caught in the ceiling fan again!
@iwearpajamas: My girlfriend talks to her dog like it's going to talk back. Kind of like when Christians talk to God.
@SteelCityDawn: A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded. What in the hell do they put in butterflys?