Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
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If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”