If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
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[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.