If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
You Might Also Like
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.