If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
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Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.