If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
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We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
crazy
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?