If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Finally, an explanation.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.