@Mr_Kapowski: If you're ambushed at night, technically you got pmbushed
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@cool_as_heck: ME: who's a good boy!! DOG: did you just misgender me you genderphobic heteronormative piece of shit ME: what DOG: bark
@lakeanagirl: I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
@TheBlessMess: Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
@TheBeerGuy73: Wife: Let's get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind! Me: How about a guillotine? Wife: Me: I'll be on the couch.