[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
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Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.