If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
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I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Best spot.. 😅
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass