presenting your incognito window wrapped
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1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.