If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
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Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Hank is one in a melon.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.