friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
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Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
“What?”
– Jude
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.