@3sunzzz: If you're bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
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@Iwriteforcats: Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme? Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
@trentistweeting: WIFE: you're so overly dramatic ME: no i'm not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting "no he's not"] dammit guys, not now
@ShortSleeveSuit: Girl: I like good boys Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
@XplodingUnicorn: Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves? Me: Dying people are moths?