I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
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I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
This was a bad idea all around
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
President The Rock Obama
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…