If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
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Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away