if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
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My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.