@Fred_Delicious: if you're ever worried there's an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there's no one there
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@Weird_Rash: If you’ve ever accidentally stepped on a cat’s tail, you’ve seen my wife’s sex face.
@Mr_Kapowski: Him: This house is perfect for us! Her: What about the kids? Him: You're right. We'll have to put them up for adoption
@tchrquotes: 6yo:You can't eat chips before dinner! Me:YOU can't. I'm a grown man. I do what I want. *Wife walks in*: What's that? Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?