If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
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Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY