If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
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when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body