“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My blood type is b hungry.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.