Legend 🤣🤣
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Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
good for her
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”