cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
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What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
We’ve all been there
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.