@Sarcasticsapien: If you're going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They're never gonna see it online.
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@TheMichaelRock: 12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What's wrong with the one we live in? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
@internetluke: [calls up friend] Remember when you said I wouldn't ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news! "Okay, but why are you calling from jail?"
@browneyegirl9: If you don't like the idea of wiping someone's ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn't become a parent.
@xLiserx: Ran into my ex on the street. He's got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.