@Sarcasticsapien: If you're going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They're never gonna see it online.
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@HatfieldAnne: I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
@iwearaonesie: *power goes out* wife: Great, I just bought ice cream me [already eating it] I'm on it
@MichaelTrying: The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
@krishna_van: Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the 'Gangnam Style'.