(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
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He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.