If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
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I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Time heals everything 🙂
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.