Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
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[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.