If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
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{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.