If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
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[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”