If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
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barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
How to find Kentucky on a map
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird